South Dakota to Ban all Medical Care for Children Under 16

Building on the success of HB1057, a bill that criminalizes life-saving medical care to transgender children, conservative representatives of South Dakota were proud to announce a new and expanded version of the “Vulnerable Child Protection Act.” This expanded version will now prevent all children, trans and cisgender, from receiving any medical care whatsoever before they turn 16.

“It wasn’t just unfair that trans children were the only kids being protected from health care, it was unconstitutional,” said Rep. Arch Beal. “This expanded version rights that wrong, and positions the state of South Dakota right where it should be: in the middle of families and their doctors.”

“To me, it’s a crime against humanity when these procedures are done by these so-called doctors,” said Rep. Fred Deutsch. “These new-fangled surgeries that help with Nager syndrome or microtia, you know, that dance on the edge of medicine. I’m the son of a Holocaust survivor…I’ve seen the pictures of the bizarre medical experiments. I don’t want that to happen to our kids.”

The expanded version of HB 1057 would jail doctors for providing a wide-range of medical services to trans and cisgender children, including vaccines, cancer treatment, and any form of dentistry.

“We’re talking about cutting off little girls’ tumors,” said Rep. Tim R. Goodwin. “This new law will ensure that cancer can continue to grow in our precious children, just as God intended.”

“Minors need protection because they’re prone to irrational decisions,” added Rep. Jon Hansen. “They don’t have the reasoning capacity to decide whether they want braces, or help with depression, or treatment for third-degree burns.”

As proof, the representatives presented Corinna Schulenburg, a woman who’d had invasive surgery as a child to strengthen a lazy eyelid and later regretted it. “I mean, lazy eyelids are cool,” said Schulenburg in her presentation to the legislature. “And I’m pretty sure the individual regret I feel outweighs the vast body of scientific research that claims children should receive medical care.”

When questioned about the suffering and death this new law might cause, Rep. Steve Haugaard acknowledged that, “we might see some blowback from liberal elites and those pushing their child agenda. But our founders knew that only White, property-owning, Christian men had the necessary intelligence to make decisions about bodily autonomy. I’m proud that all children and their families can count on the state of South Dakota to make the right decisions for their bodies, and keep them safe from medical care.”


To be clear, this is satire. But the cruelty of the actual bill toward transgender children and their families is all too real.

Categories: Trans

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